Jumbo Dumbo #1: I complained about
my husband's schedule.
Ah, the early days, when we had dual
incomes and no kids. I hardly noticed my husband's schedule, as we were both
gone all day. I was so busy with my job of selling cars; I just looked forward
to coming home and making dinner or making reservations! Maybe you're wondering
about that job description: selling cars? Well, we didn't have enough money to
buy a second car, so I went and applied for a job at the local car dealership
and they hired this friendly girl on the spot! I was a top saleswoman, and a
demo car came with the deal! I liked the job so much that when my husband was
transferred from Illinois to Minnesota, I went to work for another car
dealership right away. And then one day, I felt sick to my stomach...
A positive pregnancy test led to a
dinner discussion: "Francie, only one of us is going to work after we have
children. I want you at home." Woo Hoo! I thought he was giving me time
off for good behavior! And then we had Austen, followed two years later by
Hillary; and 13 months later by Collin. The highlight of my day was folding
pastel-colored miniature undershirts. Norman was entering the peak phase of his
career, which meant longer hours, travel, and less family time.
I became Mrs.
Grumpalot.
"You're hardly ever home, and
I'm with the kids all day and doing laundry and cleaning up after them and wahh
wahh wahhhhhh." Norman got tired of my complaining, so he made this memorable
threat: "I could quit my job and take another one where I'd be home more
and we could lower our standard of living, OR you could be content and we could
work with things as they are."
I had that coming to me. We were
already living modestly, but I wanted to have more of my husband's time when he
simply couldn't give it. Why do we focus on what we don't have rather than
being thankful for all that we do have? It's a character flaw. "Look
not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of
others." (Phil. 2:4) I needed to see this from Norman's side, too. He
was working as hard as he could to provide for his family on one income. I
learned that day to drop the subject and never to bring it up again. Moral
of Jumbo Dumbo #1: Don't count what's missing; count your blessings.
Jumbo Dumbo #2: I fussed at my
husband about trivial matters.
What do I mean by "trivial
matters"? I'll demonstrate by asking you this question: Should a man have
to take off his shoes when he comes in the house (his house)? I wish I could
hear your responses, because I know there would be some screaming YES out
there. And maybe even a few crying "Death to the infidel if he
doesn't"! It's really crazy how territorial we can become about our homes.
I had to learn this: If Norman H. Taylor wants to walk leaves, motor oil, Minnesota-snow
and anything else into this house, so be it. I have provided a perfect place
for grimy shoes, but I'm not my husband's mom, so if he chooses to bypass it
and leave size-12 foot prints announcing his arrival, so...be...it!
What?! But what about the carpet? Well guess what I did? I
complained one too many times about the carpet stains, and that earned me the
Christmas gift I'll never forget. When I first saw the great big box taking up
the living room, I imagined that it had something spectacular in it! As I
removed the roll of wrapping paper that it took to cover this mega-package, I
realized that I was receiving a rebuke, wrapped with love, of course: It was a
deluxe (gargantuan) carpet cleaning machine. It screamed, "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Naggy!"
"It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a
brawling woman and in a wide house." (Prov. 25:24) I have since
learned that true reverence and respect for my husband includes leaving him and
his shoes alone, among other things. Moral of Jumbo Dumbo #2: Nagging is disrespectful
and it could earn you a prize you don't want. (Carpet cleaner for sale: Cheap!)
Jumbo Dumbo #3: I came into marriage
expecting him to make my life complete.
I blame the wedding traditions for
helping so many of us to get this backwards. The bridal shower is about the
bride, the gift registry is often decided by the bride, the colors for the home
are usually determined by the bride, the plans for the wedding are made almost
entirely by the bride (and don't try that token "I asked him for his
opinion" stuff)! If you married a man that helped plan most of your
wedding, join the 0.0000000003% of the population who did the same.
Even the clothing for the wedding
day is all about the bride. The groom may get to select his preference
in a tuxedo, if he's granted permission or if his bride is too busy
dress-shopping to care! But often, even his suit for the big day has been
selected by the bride! And let's not forget the wedding gown: no other garment
gets so much attention to be worn for so little time. Is it any wonder that we
come into the marriage singing "Me Me Me ME Me Me Me"? And yet
the Lord said early in Scripture that woman was made for man, not the other way
around. "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him an help meet for him." (Gen. 2:18) It took some
time, but I finally learned that I am here to make Norman's world go round. As
God increased my understanding of this important role, He also increased my
love for my beloved. Just think: the man that you've married was once a tiny baby long ago, and now you get to care for him as an adult. Moral of Jumbo Dumbo #3: Drop the
wedding mentality at the door. The marriage is about the couple.
Jumbo Dumbo #4: I gave my husband
the silent treatment.
Now this was really dumb, but
I'm just delivering as promised. Norman and I would have a disagreement over
something, and I would be miffed, I mean cooking with all four burners lock-jaw
miffed. I know better now, but in our early years, silence was meant to be a
punishment for whatever I perceived to be a transgression. What it really came
down to was this: he didn't see something my way. "He that is first in
his own cause seemeth just; but his neighbor cometh and searcheth him."
(Prov. 18:17) Arguments are often a matter of not seeing eye to eye, but
failure to communicate doesn't improve the situation; it just forces you to take the long way to a solution.
What women need to know is this: the
silent treatment is a rotten form of communication. It's also worth mentioning
that if a man has a choice between a woman harping at him and a woman not
speaking to him, he'll choose the silent model every time. But eventually,
couples have to talk things out, so I had to learn how to answer Norman when he
would ask, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" I had to grow up past the old
answer of "nothing" and carefully tell the truth. Now when my Norman asks "Honey,
what's bothering you," I answer him, being mindful to state the problem rather than accusing him of being the problem. Conflict
resolution is part of married life. The longer you're married, the more
conflicts you'll need to learn to resolve without resorting to punishment tactics.
I've given up the silent treatment,
but I'm still careful with how I file my complaints: "A soft answer
turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Prov. 15:4)
When a man doesn't feel like you're attacking him, he doesn't have to put up
his defense shields! The "soft answer" works! Moral of Jumbo Dumbo
#4: Don't employ failed methods; use methods that work.
There's not enough space for me to
list the rest of my transgressions, but I think you get the picture. As the
Lord continues to polish off my rough edges (even after 30 years), I work hard
to make my husband's life better than it was before he added me to his world.
It's not unusual to make more than a few unwise mistakes in the early years,
but as we grow in the Lord, we should also improve at being married. If
someone were to ask your husband about you, would he say that God did him a favor
by bringing you into his life?
I saw something on the carpet on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. It was fresh mud mixed with garden mulch in size 12. If that isn't love...
"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a
good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord." (Prov. 18:22)
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